Hellsing by May and Jay
by catsvrsdogscatswin
Summary: We're crack, we're whack, and we're BACK! May and Jay, on the Hellsing scene! Hey I just rhymed...sweet! This should be the funniest oneshot you've ever read, unless you've read some of our SE oneshots...hmm. We have a challenge for you, but you need to look inside to see what it is. Read for a good laugh otherwise, and do be nice, my sister co-authored! Everyone is here!


_**A May and Jay fanfic, right here. Like the cover image? Munchicard. That's all we have to say. If you giggled, we won't make it count. We have done others on Soul Eater, but now we are stepping our metaphorical feet into the Hellsing world. We challenge you not to laugh and we'll send you ten dollars, not to smile (pity smiles and smirks count) and we'll give you twenty. Give us a shipping address and you are a rich person. FYI, my name is Jay and my little sister is May. They are not our real names. They are just short and easy to remember.**_

_**NO THEY DON'T!**_

_**Yes they do. Go sit in a corner. Stop bringing the truth into things. People don't like that.**_

_**We can't start this with an argument!**_

_**It's not an argument, it's a debate.**_

_**Can we just start this already?**_

_**You're the one who started arguing, not me. On we go, IF you're all done contradicting.**_

"Hey. Hi. Wazzup. Nice to see you all." Jay and May surveyed their latest victims. Integra was staring at them rigidly, Walter standing behind her. Alucard and Seras were zonked out on couches, along with all the other vampires. Rip was cuddled against her musket, holding it like a teddy bear. Zorin was flat on her back, snoring. The two Valentine brothers were stacked on top of each other, Jan on top and Luke squashed beneath him. Alhambra was slouched in a chair; hat pulled over his face Indianna Jones style. Jay sighed, shaking her head. "May, the cowbell if you please." May held it out proudly, and Jay took it, swinging it slightly to get the pitch. She nodded in satisfaction and walked over to the nearest vampire, who happened to be Alucard.

She grinned, holding it above his head as Integra shielded her face against the oncoming bloodbath. She swung it down, impacting the vampire directly on his face with a musical clang. He roared, blindly attacking the nearest thing, which happened to be a couch cushion, shredding it. The others, miraculously, remained asleep. Jay snickered, and he turned to her, snarling. While pretty much everyone else covered their eyes, May struggled to open a water bottle, gnawing on it and banging it against the Major's leg repeatedly. "I want your plushy chair! I want your plushy chair!" she screeched, trying to push his leg over. "No." he said absently, shaking her off.

Alucard stabbed a finger in Jay's face. "Human, I am going to make you regret that for the rest of your life, which will be about an hour of much pain, blood, and guts." He hissed, and she giggled. "Silly crazy person." She said, patting his head as his eyes flared dangerously. "You signed a contract, just like everyone else. You aren't allowed to hurt me." He blinked and grabbed the paper, reading it over and raising his eyebrow once or twice. "Who's this Asura who keeps saying "I AM GOING TO KILL MAY!"? Do we know him?" Jay took it back, seeing the scribble at the bottom. "Huh. Missed that. I wonder when he…" May raised her hand, jumping up and down. "Oh! Oh! I remember! That one time when he broke in and wrote that all over, remember then?" Jay made an "oh…" sound, then shook her head and returned to the question. "Nah, he's some guy that really doesn't like May. Anyway-"

"I scribbled on his skin scarves remember?" May chirped, slamming the bottle against Yumie's head, standing on a chair to do so. "You…skin scarves?" Alucard asked, suddenly interested. "It's a him thing. He uses them as clothes sometimes. Like that one time when he got like 50 feet tall and all his clothes were too small, obviously, he used them like that." Jay said, going over to Seras. She slammed the bell down with a clang, and Seras whipped up. "The square root of any one side of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining sides!" she shouted, snapping to attention. "Hmm…that's new." Jay said, shaking the cowbell as Seras blinked. "Uh…hi?" she said, and Jay waved at her absently. She clanged the bell a few more times and shrugged. "Meh. Must be a defective cowbell."

May scuttled under the couch, emerging on the other side and jumping, water bottle aimed directly for Luke Valentine. It came down on his face hard, and he yelped, sitting up, waking his brother by sending him tumbling to the ground. "What the hell?!" Jan roared, rubbing his head. "I knocked over a man-tower? Cool…" May said, whamming the water bottle on the ground. They all stared at her. "Right then, as you guys have just woken up I would like you to stand in a line with everyone else whilst I wake up the others." Jay said, shooing them to a wall, lining everyone up, except for Alhambra, Zorin, and Rip. She walked over, but May jumped over the couch, screaming "Kamikaze!" and smashing the Water Bottle of Death into all of their faces, jumping from one to the other too fast for them to catch and stealing Alhambra's hat.

She jumped up to the ceiling, putting it on low over her face. "I'm a ninja! I'm an Indianna Jones ninja!" she crowed, jumping down on Alucard and karate-chopping his head. He roared, grabbing her by the scruff of her neck and dangling her in the air. His mouth opened, showing lots and lots of big, pointy teeth. May screamed, wailing "AHH! I'm going to be eaten by a man-shark!" She twisted out of his grip, diving behind Schrödinger. He vanished, and she hid behind the next person in the line, which happened to be Doc. He jumped aside and she hid behind Zorin. Zorin turned out to be an illusion and she hid behind Rip. Rip vaulted away using her musket, and then she hid behind the Major. Alucard lunged for her, snarling, and she skipped away, running around the other side of the Major.

Alucard chased after her and they went around and around the dizzier and dizzier Nazi chief, her miraculously managing to stay ahead and not be eaten. Jay sat in an armchair, eating popcorn as she watched her sister being chased. "Jay, can I have some popcorn too?" May said, suddenly skidding to a halt, Alucard tripping over her and banging his face into the floorboards. "Yeah, sure." Jay said, holding the bowl out. May skipped over, jumping over Alucard and grabbing the bowl, munching on her popcorn as he sat up and went back in line, glaring at her viciously. "So then guys, we have resurrected…" Jay took a huge breath.

"Schrödinger, Rip Van Winkle, Major, Doc, Captain, Zorin, Luke and Jan Valentine, Alhambra, Anderson, Maxwell, Yumie, Walter and Pip…" she said rapidly, breathe whooshing out. She took a normal breath and continued. "For the purposes of our entertainment." There was dead silence for a moment. "I DIED!?" Pip roared, pointing to his chest numbly.

"This I did not see coming." Walter said causally, smoothing down his vest self-consciously.

"Oh vow!" Schrödinger chirped, grinning and chasing his tail.

"Did it hurt?" Maxwell asked desperately, looking stunned.

"F*** that." Zorin and Jan Valentine said, only to be gibslapped by Jay. "Oy! Young children present!"

"Did we win?" Major said, cocking his head.

"…" Captain.

"So are we not real?" Luke Valentine asked, adjusting his glasses.

"Did Alucard kill me?" Anderson asked, scowling at the vampire, who grinned.

"ARE YOU A WITCH!?" Yumie roared, stabbing her katana at Jay.

"How old was I?" Doc asked, scribbling something down on his clipboard.

"Vas there nice singing at my funeral?" Rip asked, shouldering her musket.

"Umm…let me answer that in order." Jay said, sweeping her hair back. "Pip, you did die, and I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that it was heroically and you kissed Seras just before you did." He beamed, suddenly in a much better mood. "Walter, you disintegrated after making fun of Doc." He slid a glance towards the mad scientist and edged away. "Schrödinger…Schrö…anyway, he died permanently." She said, seeing he was not paying attention to her or in fact anybody. "Maxwell, yes, it hurt a LOT. You were screaming for help and everything." She said absently, making him gulp. "You two shut it with the profanity or you get a double dose of our dares." She growled, pointing to Zorin and Jan, who scoffed, but didn't say anything.

She skipped the silent Captain. "Honestly I have no clue if you're real or not." She snapped absently at Luke, who whitened. "No I'm not a witch, I'm an author." She told Yumie, pushing the blade down. "You were whatever age you were. How should I know?" She muttered as she passed Doc, who pouted. "You didn't get a funeral, you were eaten." She said in embarrassment to Rip, whose mouth fell open. "Did I miss anyone?" she said, turning back to the line. Anderson raised his hand. "Did Alucard kill me?" She paused. "Uh…kinda? See after you got all thorny and superpowered and burned his familiars and then stabbed his head, Seras jumped in and…" she saw his and Alucard's looks of mixed glee and horror at finally defeating or almost defeating their rival, and Seras's one of confusion. "…never mind. Long story short he got you through the heart." She finished, beckoning May.

"Right then, we have a list and a couple hours of free time. We'll work down by organization, and…Hellsing's first. Everyone, try not to laugh, because something just as embarrassing or worse will happen to you shortly." Jay said, chuckling, along with her sister, who was rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically. "Alucard…pfft…I CAN'T SAY THIS, IT'S TOO GOOD!" She cackled, falling on the ground and wiping tears away from her face. "Mkay, read this…" she gasped, holding a piece of paper out to him and covering the other names with her hand. He flicked a glance at it, and froze. Everyone else froze as well, startled that something had gotten under his impenetrable mask. A low growl was heard, and Alucard's eyes were flashing red. "You gotta do it, you signed a contract…" Jay teased, and he gritted his teeth, vanishing.

"What did you make him do?" Anderson asked, thinking this wasn't going to be so bad after all. Jay and May couldn't keep a straight face, but May valiantly managed to gasp out "Y-you can't k-know yet it'll spoil the…the…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she screamed, laughter-tears pouring down her face. Jay nodded absently, holding her stomach. She suddenly sat up, smacking her forehead. "May, what were we thinking! GET THE CAMERA!" May sat up as well, unholy glee showing in her face as she grabbed the device. They waited in silence, except for Jan and Rip having an arm-wrestling match, quietly cursing. Alucard suddenly appeared, and everyone's expressions froze. May and Jay snapped dozens of pictures as slow smiles crept across their faces, seeing his thunderous expression, even Integra and Seras.

Alucard was pink. Not his clothes, which were a perfectly ordinary red and black, but his skin, his hair…all the Hellsing characters burst out laughing, and he gritted his teeth, swearing that he would kill each and every last one of them for witnessing this. Then he realized May and Jay were taking pictures. "YOU LITTLE BRATS!" he roared, lunging for them, but they snapped more pictures, laughing. Suddenly, just as he was about the rip out their throats, he vanished in a puff of smoke with a bang. Everyone stared. "See, don't attempt to break the contract, _or else_…" Jay said menacingly, and they all gulped. "What happened to master?" Seras asked, tears welling up in her eyes. "Isn't he somewhere in that freezy place?" May asked her sister, and Jay snorted. "If I remember correctly the portal comes out somewhere in Siberia, and he only gets one layer of clothes…" she giggled, and everyone gulped again.

_Somewhere in Siberia…_

Alucard sneezed, pulling his red duster closer around him. Ordinarily cold didn't bother him. But this was not just mere cold. This was SIBERIAN cold. He huddled against a convenient rock that the portal had opened by, that was ever so slightly warmer than the frigid air around him. Here, he only froze stiff every minute or so, instead of every thirty seconds. Ice crackled off his face as snow melted on the ever-so-slightly-warmer-than-air Nosferatu, freezing his mouth shut so when he sneezed it hurt. "I'm g-going t-to k-kill t-those b-brats…" he snarled, shivering harder.

_Back where things are nice and toasty warm…_

"How are we going to be killing vampires if Alucard is in Siberia?" Integra growled, staring at Jay with a scowl on her face, cigar clenched tightly in hand. "How should we know? Besides, you have more pressing things on your mind right now…" Jay murmured, looking up at her, then down at her list. Her eyes widened and she snorted, nudging her sister and pointing to the list. They both giggled as Integra started feeling more and more nervous. By now, even though it had been only a few minutes, Hellsing knew that May and Jay giggling was a bad, **bad** thing. "Integra, you will…" Jay paused, and then passed the list to May. "I've been hogging this for a while. This is a big stepping stone for you May. I am passing Torment List Reading to you. Read it well." May beamed, and a halo of light shone down from the heavens with birds and sparklies and all that jazz. Jay shot out the halo-light with a rifle and shooed the birds towards the Captain, after which there was a snap and a gulp. She vacuumed up the sparkles in a maid's uniform, scrambling between and under several of the cast members in the process.

May took a deep breath, grinning. "Integra, we sentence you to go on a date with…" she paused, looking around. "Which one is him again?" she whispered in Jay's ear, and she sighed and whispered something back. "Him!" May chirped, pointing to…Maxwell. The temperature in the room dropped, and both organization leaders glared at each other with the fires of ever-lasting hatred burning in their eyes. "NOW." Jay ordered, pushing them out a door. She then returned without the maid's uniform, switching on a computer and sitting down in a swivel chair, motioning them all towards the screen. They peered intently at the screen.

_Somewhere…__**not**__ in Siberia… _

"This is a nice place." Maxwell said awkwardly, gesturing to the restaurant. "Mm." Integra growled, arms folded over her dress. "You look nice." He said, shifting in his seat and wishing feverently he could leave NOW. "So do you…for a pig." She shot back, and he scowled. "Filthy Protestant." He snarled, slamming his hands down on the table. "Catholic Papist!" she hissed, leaning forward. Soon insults were flying thick and fast, much to May and Jay's delight. They were recording the whole thing, and giggling.

"MISERABLE ITALIAN BASTARD!"

"UNWORTHY ENGLISH SOW!"

"LONG-HAIRED HIPPY!"

"CROSS-DRESSING FEMALE!"

"COWARDLY PREIST!"

"DESPERATE WOMAN, EMPLOYING A VAMPIRE!"

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?! IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD A CHOICE!"

" HAVE BETTER PROTECTION THAN ONE OLD MAN!"

"HE'S MY BUTLER AND A FAITHFUL SERVANT TO OUR FAMILY FOR YEARS!"

"WHO WAS SECRETLY A TRAITOR THE WHOLE TIME!"

"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?!"

"MORE CONTROL OVER YOUR SUBORDINATES YOU FOOLISH WENCH!"

"OH?! WHAT ABOUT YOU! YOU CAN HARDLY CONTROL ANDERSON AT THE BEST OF TIMES!"

"I DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVERT GOD'S DIVINE WRATH, WHEREVER IT MAY FALL!"

"SO YOU'RE BACK TO THAT EXCUSE THEN, ARE YOU?!"

"SHUT UP!"

"MAKE ME!"

She was interrupted by a plate, and soon a foodfight was in full scale, with various delicacies flying thick and fast as insults had done before. "Surrender!" Maxwell howled, throwing a lobster. "Never!" Integra screeched, shielding herself with a soup lid and chucking a watermelon at him. "You're depending so much on your pet vampire you can't even throw!" he taunted, ducking the melon and sending a squash back at her. "At least I can aim!" she retorted, not even having to dodge the off-target missile and hurling a salmon at him. And so on it went. Eventually, everything was too squished to throw, and they resorted to silverware…

"DIE CHRISTIAN!" Integra screamed, hurling a steak knife with deadly accuracy. It clanged off Maxwell's soup lid shield, and he returned with a fork, slamming into her bucket helmet and skidding off into the air. They eventually ran out of missiles as well, so went at it with shish kebabs instead. "I'm a knight, you can't possibly hope to beat me!" Integra hissed as his kebab skidded off her plate armor. "A female one!" he shot back, dodging her return swipe and clanging his soup-lid shield against her helmet. And so on **that** went. Eventually, they got tired, and who wouldn't after having the mother of all food fights, then a silverware fight, then finally duking it out in kitchen armor and shish kebab swords? So they got tired, and sat down for a breather.

_Back with May and Jay…_

"That was interesting." Jay said, clapping her hands together sharply. Integra and Maxwell suddenly appeared in their normal clothes, without food stains or plates strapped to their bodies as makeshift armor. They stared at her, then each other, then shrugged and went back into line. "Next one May." Jay said, tossing a Jolly Rancher in her mouth and licking her lips. "Seras…oh, this is a funny one!" she giggled, and the Draculina gulped. "You have to have a thumb war with him!" she chirped, pointing to Anderson, who raised an eyebrow. Seras gulped, edging forward slowly as he held out his right hand expectantly. She slowly stuck her hand out, almost touching him as he gave an impatient sigh and then she squeaked, scuttling behind a couch and covering her ears.

May and Jay both dragged her back out, whimpering in fear as Anderson loomed closer. She flinched as his hand closed on hers, and they began. "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." He muttered, and she whispered along with him, trembling. They stared intently at the other person's hand, thumb war gearing up. Soon they were growling under their breath, interlocked hands shifting as they struggled to pin the other person's hand down. Seras was actually pretty good at this, but Anderson was clearly a thumb war master, as any person would be running an orphanage full of children, half of which were boys. "One two three four! Hah! I win!" He said proudly, letting go. She snarled and punched his chest, screeching "NO FAIR!" Then she gulped. Bayonets came flying back at her and she squealed, scrambling past the others and diving behind the safety of the couch.

Jay and May grinned, high fiving each other and then realized Anderson was still after Seras. Jay clapped her hands and suddenly Seras was behind them, and Anderson quickly stopped, remembering what had happened to Alucard. Seras stuck her tongue out at him as they resumed their place in line, and May and Jay high fived each other again. "Right then, next one May." Jay said, rubbing her hands and grinning. "French guy has to cut off his braid." May giggled, pointing to Pip. He paled. "Can we discuss this…" he whimpered as May advanced wielding a pair of garden shears. "Sure, why not? You're French, you have a braid, May's violent, and she's got a pair of 'clippers. Discussion over." Jay said unsympathetically as May giggled louder. He closed his eyes, and everyone winced. "Think Edward Scissorhands, only much more psychotic." She added with relish, and that broke him.

"AHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, diving under the couch and streaking from the room with May in hot pursuit, laughing maniacally as she bounded off the walls, chopping the garden shears repeatedly. Everyone gulped, and Jay smirked. "I love doing that…" she murmured wistfully, pulling out a pair of steak knives. Everyone swallowed harder and edged away. "But another time!" she said abruptly, tossing them over her shoulder, not noticing as they impaled Jan Valentine's cap and Maxwell's scarf. "Since May's off on a psychotic rampage, I guess I get to read stuff again." She added happily, picking up the list and scanning it. "Oh…mkay…Walter, you're up!" she grinned, smirking as he was pushed out of the line by Doc and Heinkel. "Okay then Walter, you traitorous traitor you, are having a job reassignment." She chuckled, and he vanished in a puff of smoke, a very _tidy_ puff obviously, because he was after all a butler.

_Somewhere…also not in Siberia…I think it's somewhere in America…possibly…_

"Oh look, its Lurch's new partner." Walter gulped. "Say, he's not looking well is he Morticia? Do you wish to sit down sir?" It was hell on earth for an upstanding British butler. It was Armageddon. It was horrible. It was awful. It was- "The Addams family home. So good to meet you, Walter, isn't it?" a tall woman in a skin-tight black dress, along with her husband, practically yanked him through the doors. This wasn't happening. It was all a dream. A horrible, awful, nightmarish dream. "Lurch, this is the man you will be working with. His name is Walter. Walter, this is Lurch, our butler, Wednesday, Pugsley, and Thing. I am Morticia and this is my husband Gomez." A very tall man, serious young girl, and plump little boy stared up at him morbidly. A hand was crouching on the floor beside them.

"Pleased to meet you…" he murmured, feeling dizzy. "Now to your duties. You are to scrub the crypts with some grime, hang the spiderwebs, lay down the dust, unstraighten the pictures on the walls, and put anybody you find wandering about back in their coffin or box. Any questions?" she said briskly, and he replied by fainting. It had all gotten to be too much. **UN**cleaning? It went against everything he was taught. Everything he followed, the Butler's gospel, it was all against the very idea. The poor man couldn't take it. "Hey, how come he gets to be dead?" Wednesday asked, poking him with a meat cleaver. "I wanna try!" Pugsley whined, inhaling some carbon dioxide to make himself pass out as well. "Mmmm…" Lurch moaned, going off to start laying down the dust.

_Back to us and the others…_

"Poor Walter…" Integra murmured, seeing him getting strapped into Wednesday's electric chair. "Meh, he'll survive. The Addams hasn't killed anyone yet." Jay said absently, tugging a lollypop out of May's mouth. "Ahh…oh, on to Iscariot!" She said in excitement, and then smacked her forehead. "Oops. Now everyone remember I'm only letting him off the hook 'cause we need him for Anderson's punishment." She warned them, before clapping her hands twice. Alucard appeared in a puff of smoke, along with about three feet of snow and ice. "I h-hate y-you s-so m-much…" he snarled, and then sneezed, knocking an icicle off his nose. "Can it vampy. Here, we need you more conscious for this." Jay said unsympathetically, clapping her hands again as a bright sunbeam appeared out of nowhere and thawed him out. He then began to hiss and steam at the edges, skin blackening, and she hurriedly clapped again.

"You and Anderson must give each a big teddy bear buddy hug. NOW." She grinned, and they both snarled. "I never got how that was bad." May said hesitantly, looking confused. "He and Alucard hate each other's guts with every fiber of their beings." Jay said impatiently, and she blinked. "If they hated each other with ALL their fibers they wouldn't be able to do anything else." She pointed out, and Jay thought for a second. "Most of their fibers then. They eat extra fiber cereal at breakfast so they can hate each other more each day." May nodded."Oh." Jay held up a hand, like she was realizing something. "And Anderson's taller." Alucard and Anderson blinked. "No he isn't!" May shouted, jumping Anderson and banging the water bottle against his head. Jay clapped her hands and she was on the ground again. "Now, let's check this out in a _non_violent way. Back to back guys."

They obeyed, and she walked up. "No cheating Alucard. Off with the hat and feet flat on the ground." She said, yanking it off and stamping on his toes. He winced and dropped slightly, grumbling under his breath. She backed away, and everyone gasped. Anderson was indeed taller, by a few inches. (Author's note; If you look at the time when they first meet and Alucard and him are back to back, you do notice Anderson's taller if Alucard didn't have the hat.) "NOOO!" May wailed, jumping him again and banging the water bottle against the top of his head. "Shrink! Shrink! Shrink!" He was grinning at Alucard, who had carefully put his hat back on. "Shut up." He growled, yanking the Jackal out and aiming it for Anderson's forehead menacingly. "I didn't say anything…pipsqueak…" he said, grinning wider as Alucard gave a roar of rage and tackled him. They wrestled on the ground, May and Jay ignoring them as May inspected her water bottle, which had broken open on the thirty-second impact of Anderson's skull.

"Thanks Mr.!" she shouted, tackling him and accidentally hurling Alucard off. She hugged him tightly around the waist as he stood up, trying vainly to push her off. "You're still shorter than he is though!" she shrieked, climbing up and whacking him again before launching herself off and landing in the rafters again. "As I was saying, you guys gotta hug. Do it now." Jay said impatiently, and they glared at each other, hatred oozing from every pore. "Do it do it do it do it do it DO IT!" May and her sister chanted, bouncing in their seats. They both stepped forward, closing their eyes and gritting their teeth. "May god forgive me and cleanse me of this unholy taint, amen." Anderson muttered, and Alucard snarled quietly "May you burn in hell for thinking this up you two brats." with an evil glare at May and Jay. They embraced, anger radiating from every inch. May and Jay snapped a couple pictures before they bounded away, shuddering.

Anderson rapidly crossed himself, muttering prayers, and Alucard was lighting himself on fire, then extinguishing himself, to cleanse themselves from the other. Alucard burst into flames a few more times, then stopped, clothes smoldering, and Anderson finished dumping pint of holy water on his head. May and Jay were laughing hysterically, rolling on the ground, ignoring the sizzling vamp and the soaked priest. They hissed at each other before resuming their places in line, both wondering if it was worth a trip to Siberia to attack the two children. They (grudgingly) decided it wasn't, and returning to death-glaring each other. May and Jay straightened with an effort, and May passed her sister the list. They exchanged an evil smirk as Jay cleared her throat, showing her sister who was next. "Maxwell, we are going to…" she was momentarily convulsed with giggles, and he grabbed his rosary, praying frantically. She shook her head, leaning on a chair, unable to finish. "May…just…just do it…" she gasped, waving a hand at her sister, who grinned and led him out of the room.

There was a moment of silence, then a large thump. Jay chuckled as her sister came back, holding a baseball bat, which she dropped as she began looking for something. Everyone watched in silence as she searched, scampering under Rip's legs and banging her head on the Captain's boot. She gulped and moved the other way, scanning the floor for something as she crawled under and tipped over Jan Valentine, who hit the floor with a thump and a muffled curse. Jay whistled, and they all turned, seeing her hold up a pair of scissors and what looked like a pamphlet, although she kept the title hidden from the Hellsing cast. May made a sound of exasperation and grabbed them both, scuttling out of the room again. Jay leaned back, flipping an IPod on and listening. "Jay! I'm all done!" May shouted, coming back in. Jay pulled an earbud out, eyes glazed. "_- a madman came to him one day, shot him to the ground. His blood stained the roses to a bright and somber red, and all those who loved him forgot once he was dead. The Third Alice was-_" She made a sound of realization as May punched her shoulder and turned the music off. "What?"

"I'm done!" May repeated proudly, and they shared another evil grin. "Maxwell, come on in. NOW." Jay ordered, and he gave a weary sigh, edging in. Alucard and Anderson immediately forgot their suffering, stifling chuckles. Integra was openly grinning, and the Millennium group looked hard put to stay on their feet. They lost it when they heard the click of a camera shutter, and collapsed on the group, laughing. Maxwell had a Mohawk. Not just any Mohawk, but May had somehow managed to find some pink spray-paint and so now it was dyed in inexperienced streaks of pink, as well as being, well, a _Mohawk_. He flushed, trying his hardest to ignore them and wondering just how long he would be damned to hell if he strangled these two brats. It couldn't be too long, demons that they were. He took his place in line, valiantly ignoring Alucard, who was doubled over, holding on to a wall to keep himself from collapsing in laughter. "NEEEEXXTTT!" May bellowed, and Jay grinned.

"Mmm…May, you'll need some explanation on this one. Remember how I told you if you take that lady's glasses off she goes sugar-crazy?" she pointed to Yumiko, who gulped and nervously jammed them further up her nose. "Yeah…" May said doubtfully, and Jay chuckled. "What do you think would happen if she took them half off?" They exchanged evil glances, and Jay clapped. Walter suddenly appeared, unconscious and covered in dust and spiderwebs. May tapped his forehead, and Jay rolled her eyes as he blinked and sneezed. "Hey Walter, we need your monocle. Gimme." He stood up, hurriedly brushing himself off before handing her the glass, quickly resuming his place in line and hoping they would forget all about him. "Yumiko, step forward." She gulped, shuffling forward and closing her eyes.

Jay whipped her glasses off as May shoved the monocle on, and they stepped back, watching as Yumiko blinked. "I feel weird…" she mumbled, before twitching spastically and vaulting into the rafters. "Hey! Yumiko! Get back down here!" Heinkel shouted, and she chucked Alhambra's hat, which May had forgotten up there, back down. "I am not Yumiko! And I'm not Yumie this time either! I am-" she made a dramatic pose. "Yumike! The ultimate mix of Yumiko and Yumie!" Jay raised an eyebrow, handing her sister five bucks. "Fine, you win this time. I get a refund." She grumbled, folding her arms as May cackled and counted her bet money. "Hey…uh, Yumike! Can you come down?" Jay shouted, and…Yumike… jumped down, eyes crossed. "That probably isn't good…" Jay muttered, before whipping the monocle off and jamming the glasses back on Yumiko's nose. She blinked, and then sat up. "What happened?" she asked in confusion as Heinkel helped her back into line.

"I lost a bet to May, as well as five dollars. You went less nuts than usual and now have a new alter-ego. Congrats." Jay grumbled, scowling as her sister chuckled and folded the bills up, tucking in her pocket. "Whatever. Next up…Heinkel, get over here!" Jay said, grabbing her arm and yanking her over to a different door than normal. "What are we doing to her again?" May asked as she held the door open. Jay shrugged, pushing her in and slamming it shut. "You know what we did to Azusa? Well, like that, but since we make it a rule to never repeat punishments…we had to go with the next best thing." Jay said, leaning against the door as Heinkel frantically hammered on it. "Just do it already you pansy! We aren't watching!" she shouted, and the hammering stopped. "Are we watching?" Integra asked, pausing her efforts to re-awaken Walter. May and Jay grinned evilly. "No, of _course_ not…" Jay murmured, high fiving her sister. "We're participating!" she said, tapping a number on the computer and starting to move with her sister and Heinkel.

_Back in the mystery room…_

_Please stop soon, please stop soon, please stop soon…_ Heinkel begged, moving to the beat as she watched May and Jay out of the corner of her eye. It was bad enough doing it, but she was pretty sure all the others were watching. And while May and Jay seemed to be enjoying this, she wasn't. Who in their right mind would be?! "_I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair-_" Yes, May and Jay were being THAT cruel. Of course, they hated the song as much as the next person, but taunting a victim was worth it. Dancing to the Barbie Girl song. That was the last proof she needed that these two were demons in human form.

_When the song's all done…_

"Whew! That was _fun_, wasn't it?" Jay asked innocently, wiping sweat off her face and leering at Heinkel. "I. hate. YOU!" She roared, jabbing a finger in her face. She grinned. "Flowers and sunshine to you too. NEXT!" she shouted, shoving her back into line. She then grinned and took a deep breath. "May, it's the moment of truth. All your hopes and dreams have led up to this one precious second in time…YOU GET THE MAJOR'S PLUSHY CHAIR!" May squealed and leaped, shoving the stunned Nazi off the chair and rapidly pressing buttons. The arm whooshed around and around, blurring her outline in the air as she cackled "I'm flying! I'm flying!" The Major rubbed his sore backside, glowering at the hyper child. "Vhy did she have to take _that_?" he whined, plopping down on the metal chair Doc had found.

"Here, take this then." Jay said, shoving May's swivel chair at him, accidentally bowling him over. She cackled, shaking her head and exchanging a high five with May as she whizzed by. "Who cares? She wanted the plushy chair. Just be happy we didn't take anything of value." Jay said casually as May slowed, and when the Major saw what she had done to his beloved chair he fainted. Pink. Pink sparkly spraypaint. "VHY?!" he wailed, pounding his fists on the ground and howling his misery. May and Jay watched him with bemused expressions as he threw a Major-fit. "Anesthetic." Jay said, cocking a rifle. "Sleeper dart ready." May replied, slapping a tranquilizing serum into her hand. "Fire." They said in unison, dart poking the Major's rear and making him fall to the ground, snoring. "Animal down. Preparing to skin." Jay said, whipping out her knives. "NOOOOOO!" the Millennium officers wailed, except for the Captain, who just gave her a warning look. "Ach, you guys can't take a joke." Jay said, putting them away again and chuckling.

May whirled to a stop, eyes crossed. "Who's next?" she slurred, and Jay checked the list. "Doc. We sentence you to reveal just what kind of eyes you have under those freaky glasses." He gulped. "Eh, can we do something else?" he asked weakly, and they both gave him an incredulous glare. "Seriously?" Jay said wearily, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Isn't this guy supposed to be smart?" May whispered in Jay's ear, looking confused. "Are you daft man?! OF COURSE YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER PUNISHMENT, NOW OFF WITH THE GLASSES!" Jay roared, miming a chopping motion and jabbing a finger at his face. He gulped, removing them with shaking fingers and quickly putting a paper bag over his face. "You didn't say I had to show you people." His muffled voice said, hands keeping his eye-shield in place. "Dude, really?" Jay growled, tapping a foot. "No fair!" May wailed, and they both sighed. "Light him." Jay muttered, tossing a lighter to May, who grinned and started flicking it.

"OKAY FINE!" he snapped, and removed the bag, blushing. Everyone, including his comrades, gaped. His eyeballs were _HUGE_. Like, Powerpuff Girls huge. "Now I understand why he never takes off the glasses…" Integra murmured, and Alucard nodded, before resuming his vomiting into a trash can with a helpless grin on his face. Seras snickered, and that set everyone off, laughing hysterically. May and Jay were rolling on the ground and cackling, pointing at Doc's face with trembling fingers. "Dude…WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!" Jay gasped, wheezing as she clung to an armchair to stay (barely) upright. "It was an eye-enhancing experiment gone wrong." He said stiffly, putting the glasses back on as everyone pulled themselves together. "Note to self, some punishments…are too good…" Jay gasped, cracking her knuckles and taking a deep breath. "Next?" her sister asked, maneuvering the major's chair so she was slightly above Jay's shoulder.

"Ooh…the Captain." She said, grinning as the werewolf was pushed out of line by Alucard and Anderson with a slightly worried look on his impassive mug. "You are going to be a ventriloquist. Start now." Jay said brightly, and they waited. Silence. "That is so cool…" May squealed, hugging her sister around the waist. "SHH! You're interrupting the best part!" Jay hissed, shoving her off and watching the Captain intently. More silence. They stared at him, and he turned, shrugging at the other Hellsing members, who shrugged back. Just another demonstration of May and Jay's raving insanity. "Okay, all done. That was a wonderful performance by the Captain." Jay said, shoving him back in line. Alucard snarled, jabbing a finger at her face and interrupting her from spewing another punishment. "HEY WAIT A SECOND! HOW COME HE GETS OFF WITHOUT A PUNISHMENT?!"

Jay grinned, backing away. "Yes, but he did project his voice! Since he never says anything but silence, and there was silence all around us, he was the best ventriloquist ever! See how that works?" Everyone blinked, and then groaned as a massive headache set in trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. "No…" Alucard moaned, clutching his forehead. The Captain nodded, rubbing his sore think-melon. "Whatever…NEXT!" Jay bellowed, making everyone wince. May pulled Rip Van Winkle out of the line, smirking as the Nazi vampire hobbled on her musket, rubbing her head. "You are going to play a game. Of hide and seek." Jay said, handing her an Advil and a glass of blood to wash it down. She nodded, gulping the pill and then sighing in relief. "With HIM." Jay finished with relish, shoving her at Alucard, who managed to grin despite his splitting headache. Rip whimpered, clutching her musket closer as if it was a teddy bear.

_Outside on the Hellsing grounds…_

"COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" Alucard roared, laughing psychotically as his guns decimated the trees and shrubs of the Hellsing lawn. He was feeling much better now that he had popped an Advil as well and now got to scare a person out of her skin. May and Jay watched, following in his wake and C4ing any remaining obstacles as they video-taped the whole thing. Rip was hiding, somewhere. They had forbidden her to leave the grounds. Alucard eventually ran out of ammo before running out of trees (the past Hellsings must have been garden lovers) and resorted to looking a less violent way. May and Jay were less fast, so it was only natural he found Rip first. She was curled up behind a rock, clutching her musket like it was her baby and whimpering. He looked around, brightening when he found a stick. He began poking her, trying to get her to snap out of the fit.

And that was how May and Jay found him, crouched beside Rip, poking her with a long (and rather pointy) stick, looking frustrated and muttering a continuous stream of "move move move move move move move move move move move" under his breath as he glared at her, punctuating each "move" with a poke from the stick. "Chill, we got this." Jay said, shoving him away and squatting down beside Rip. "Red Robin!" she called next to Rip's ear, and she cracked an eye open. "Yum?" she whispered, and Jay grinned. "Good girl!" she said in approval, holding out a doggy biscuit. Rip barked happily and sat up, munching on the doggy treat happily. "Good evil Nazi vampire person, good!" jay said, patting her head and swiping her musket. "Now…" she leaned back, and Rip whined as she saw her beloved musket in the hands of someone else. "FETCH!" Jay bellowed, chucking it into the distance as Rip yelped and scampered after it on all fours, and Jay highfived May, grinning. They started to walk back, and Jay pushed Alucard's hanging jaw up with a click. "Stop staring vampy. I'm sure she'll snap out of it eventually." She said doubtfully, seeing Rip chasing squirrels.

_Back inside…_

"Is she house trained?" Integra asked, seeing Rip barking up a tree at the elusive squirrel. "Jeez, forget about her already. We gotta get this moving so we can work on-" Jay quickly covered May's mouth. "SHHH! That's a secret!" she hissed, before letting go and picking up the list. "Now then…ech, Zorin." Jay said, frowning and looking around for the berserker Nazi. She found her busily giving Jan a noogie for not giving her his paycheck. "ATTENTION! ZORIN BLITZ, GO DO WHAT MAY SAYS!" Jay bellowed, yanking her to her feet and shoving her at May, who grinned evilly. She grabbed Zorin's hand and skipped out, Zorin dragging her scythe behind her.

"No illusions to entertain yourself or to do mean things to the people on the screen, or distracting yourself in any way, shape, or form. You are going to watch this all the way to the end and when it's done feel free to replay it if you wish." She said, strapping her down so she couldn't run away before it was done and streaking from the room with her hands over her ears. Jay fiddled with her computer, muting the sound of the movie and amplifying Zorin, if she would make any noise. "That's…that's beyond even your level of heartlessness…" Integra said, cigar dropping from her mouth as the credits came on. "The horror…!" Alucard screeched, yanking his hat down over his eyes. "Vow! Vhat ist that?" Schrödinger chirped, popping up in front of May. "That, oh crazy cat-boy, is _Twilight_." Jay murmured, covering her eyes and shaking her head as Zorin started panicking. (Sorry about the bashing Twilight fans, but since this is the Hellsing universe I'm pretty sure you're a minority)

_One horrible, soppy, cloying romance movie later…_

"VVVHHHHYYYYY!" Zorin screeched, streaking out of the theater for the bathroom, where sounds of vomiting came a few moments later. May and Jay nodded, looking green themselves and popping some sea-sickness pills. "I really hate her but that was probably the worst thing we've done to anybody…" Jay groaned, holding her stomach. "Mmhm…" May whimpered, burping and holding a hand over her mouth. Alucard had passed out a few minutes before Doc, but Anderson had surprised them all by being the first to lose it, managing to cross himself once before he kissed tarmac. "Please don't do anything like that again…" Integra whispered, clenching her teeth around her cigar and fortifying her iron nerves. "Yeah…" Jay panted, holding a hand up. "-Let's not do that again." May gave her a weak thumbs up in agreement, before passing out again.

_After we all recover…_

"Right then, NEXT!" Jay cackled, spinning rapidly in her swivel chair as May whizzed above their heads, forcing Alucard, Doc, Anderson, and the Captain to duck every five seconds or so. "We have, drum roll please…" Jay said, miming a concert announcer. "The Valentine brothers!" she said with a flourish, and both gulped. "Jan, you're first. Go have tea with Walter." Jay said, shoving them both into a tea room that had appeared out of nowhere. (Things seemed to do that a lot around here) "And you, Luke, will be a dog trainer. Go train!" She shoved him through a different door, which also appeared out of nowhere.

_With Jan Valentine…_

"So…'sup Alfred." Jan said, kicking up his legs on the tiny tea table Walter had set up. Old people twittered about them, playing cards and knitting doilies. It was all Jan could do not to spout a few profanities (key word being "few") and shoot them all to bloody stumps. "Feet off the table." Walter said neutrally, pouring them both a cup and adding blood for Jan. "Right pops." Jan said, taking a drag from his cigarette. Walter flashed what might have qualified as a glare if he hadn't been the true butler he was, and set his tea down carefully. Jan drained his with a slurp before making a face, then inhaling his cancer stick again.

"So then sir, a smoker are you?" A creaky old voice said, and Jan turned to see an old man in a walker glaring at him through his spectacles. "I met smokers back in my war days…" he began mumbling, and Jan was inclined to ignore him before he saw Walter sipping his tea politely, completely ignoring the twittering old lady beside him. Anything to tick the butler off. So he nodded and listened, and before long was swapping stories with the geezer, gearing up to a match off. "Oh yeah! Play me at a card game and I'll show you how good I am!" he shouted, slamming a fist down on the table. "Oh yeah sonny? Let's pick up some bridge cards and see who's a real man!" the old man taunted, and before long they had butted in on a card game and were raising stakes. Walter sighed and shook his head sadly; going to report Jan was likely to be occupied for the next few hours.

_Luke Valentine…hehehehehe…_

"Oh god…" Luke gulped. This was very bad for his nerves, he didn't know how, but it was. Dogs this size usually were. A giant Doberman sat to his right, and a huge German Shepherd growled up at him from his left. In front of him was a leggy Great Dane. "Right then, my friends say you're an expert, and here you go. Flora here-" his client patted the head of the Great Dane. "Is a very affectionate dog, but she's so large it's just so hard to get her to understand what's too _much_, you know?" He nodded weakly, wondering if there would be enough pieces of him left for a burial. "Bruno is such a nice young lad, but he has this strange problem…he hates bats. Whenever he sees one he just goes stock raving mad! And since we live in an area with much of the little winged mice I'm worried he'll bite one and get rabies sometime…" he rubbed the German Shepherd's ears soothingly. "Clifford is a very well behaved dog normally, but when she sees guns, she used to be in the military you know, she goes just as berserk as Bruno when he sees a bat. Good luck!"

So saying the middle-aged man waved and left, and Luke was left with three very strange dogs and a growing urge to risk Siberia and head for the hills. Flora immediately jumped him and began licking his face, and as he frantically turned into a mass of bats to escape, Bruno began to howl and attack the squeaking pests. He panicked even more and by the time he managed to get back to human form, clothes torn, and aim his gun Clifford went mad and jumped him from the side. And that went on for a long, long time…

_Back with us…_

"Huh. Didn't think he had it in him." Jay said as Luke roared at the dogs, sending them whimpering back to their kennels with tales between their legs. "The guy got pushed a wee bit too far." Heinkel said fairly, rubbing his head to ease the returning migraine. "True…" May said slowly, looking dubious. "Well whatever. His hour's done; let's drag 'em back." Jay said, snapping her fingers. Both Valentine brothers suddenly appeared, and shared a glance of _I hate them so much_ before going back to their spot in line. "Next up…" Jay mumbled, looking bored. She shared a smirk with May before continuing. "Alhambra, you go play cards with someone." She said absently, making a shooing motion towards another door. He blinked, then grinned and walked past everyone else, who were gaping angrily at May and Jay.

_In the room…_

"Seriously?" This wasn't right. A baby? No…it couldn't be…but it _was_. A two-year old child sat across from the steaming vampire, holding his cards in fat hands. "You gotta be kidding me…" Alhambra growled, reshuffling his hand. The baby, whose nametag said Tom, slapped a card down on the table. He was about to dismiss it, but a cold chill ran through him when he realized it beat his current card. He scowled, shoving his pile of chips across the table and tugging his hat down further on his head. No way was a master cardsharp (literally) like him going to be beaten by a _toddler_. He refused to. Tom gurgled and grabbed a card from the deck, holding them clumsily in his underdeveloped hands. "Queen." Alhambra growled, sliding the card across. "Goo." Tom burbled, slapping down a King and reaching for his sippy cup. "This isn't happening." The Major said, wiping his glasses off then returning to the screen, studying it intently.

_The most humiliating hour of Alhambra's life later…_

"How…" Alhambra moaned, facedown on the table as Tom crowed, hold all the chips and Alhambra's hat, which he had placed as a last-minute bet to keep himself from going broke. "You broke him…" Doc said, shaking his head sadly as the Dandyman shuffled out, collapsing in a chair and covering his face with his hands. "The poor sap will snap out of it eventually. They all do." Jay said, looking up from her music and tugging an earphone out. "_-but she withdrew her nation's laws all into a distorted dream. All she sees is rotting flesh inside her vanity, afraid of death she rules in place for all eternity. Find the bright red forest path-_" She turned it off, carefully placing her IPod in her pocket before picking the list up again. "Let's see…oh c'mon!"

Everyone looked up from whatever they were doing, hearing her frustration. "What?" May asked, hopping up and down in the Major's chair and tugging on her sister's hair. "Last one." Jay grumbled, showing her the sheet of paper. They both pouted, and then sighed. "Schrödinger! Get over here you crazy neko you!" Schrö looked up, scampering over and beaming proudly. "You are sentenced to have a swim race. No teleporting, no boating, you and you alone have to swim across the pool." He wilted, and they pushed him into what looked suspiciously like a black hole, before clicking an icon on the computer and sitting down. Schrö popped out of nowhere in a bathing suit and goggles, along with a swim cap with the Nazi symbol on it. (Gotta keep him in uniform, he's on duty ya know)

There was a blast of the whistle and he jumped in, immediately sinking to the bottom and making feeble motions to swim. The only thing he managed to was to flip himself over, and he gently spun in the water, looking frustrated. He gritted his teeth and began…the most humiliating exercise ever…the ultimate sign of traitorness to catkind… the doggy paddle. He was actually going somewhere though. In fact, he was going somewhere much faster, and ahead, of the other swimmers. To everyone's shock, not to mention his own, he bumped into the wall, and floated there as the crowd went wild, wondering why they felt the urge to drape large heavy gold medals across his chest and hold up his hands.

_Back with us…_

"So then, it is with great sadness, and much regret, that we must say we are all done doing mean things to you guys." Jay said, packing up her video camera. "Yeah…" May said sadly, spinning the Major's chair so rapidly she was blurring. "So then you're leaving?" Anderson asked hopefully, thanking God already for this blessing. Jay nodded, chucking her case into another mysterious black-hole-portal-thingy. May shoved the Major's chair in as well, making the fat Nazi lose his smile. "And since you guys are all such homicidal maniacs, we aren't going to be breaking the contract like we did for the Soul Eater people." Jay added, dusting her hands off. That caused them _all_ to lose the smiles. May vaulted in, and Jay paused, half in, half out. "But we'll meet again Hellsing! In another time! In another one-shot!" she said ominously, grinning at them before leaping back, black hole swallowing them up with a sucking sound. "Right then…GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Integra roared, cocking a shotgun and sending a hail of buckshot towards the Millennium and Iscariot forces, making them flee for their lives, yipping and ducking.

_May and Jay POV:_

"So then…replay of aftermath, credits, and we're all done." I said, cracking my knuckles and placing them on the keyboard again. "Yeah…when are we gonna do the next one!" my sister said, grabbing my shoulder and shaking me. "When I find time and we find out how we're going to do the contest." I grumbled, shaking her off. She pouted as I began typing, and then perked up. "What if we…" she began whispering in my ear, and we both grinned. "Aright then…_May. _Let's get this party started." I said, popping up another document on Word.

**Instant Replay of the aftermath:**

_Alucard now plots 24/7 in his basement room how to kill May and Jay, and has spent several weeks in Siberia for failed attempts._

_Integra is now a restaurant owner, and only has vampire attacks two out of three days during the week due to all the silver silverware._

_Seras has taken up thumb warring as a hobby and is crown Champion of the British Isles._

_Pip is still hiding in a closet somewhere, desperately hoping May won't find him._

_Walter now has a pet spider named Drac that Wednesday gave him that bites all the other staff members. None have died so far, although some have developed interesting mutations…_

_Anderson is still attempting to explain the photo we sent of him and Alucard hugging to his superiors. _

_Maxwell joined Hells Angels and rides every Sunday._

_Yumiko/Yumie/Yumike is being tested to see if she has any __**more**__ alter egos in her body anywhere. So far we ain't got nothing but this one pixie dude…_

_Heinkel hates out guts. We sent her a Barbie doll as apology but…_

_Doc is trying to fix his eyeballs, but not getting anywhere. You have been warned…_

_Major laments the loss of his beloved chair and makes due with May's old pink sparkly swivel chair that I gave him._

_Captain…well we haven't heard anything from him, but I would guess he's just fine._

_Rip van Winkle is now the front door guard dog at Hellsing. The mailmen have to come up in a tank._

_Zorin will never go to Washington (state) or a movie theater. EVER. AGAIN._

_Jan Valentine plays bridge with some retirement home people every Friday._

_Luke is now a world class dog trainer. He says he won't even try to fix Rip 'cause he knows there are some things beyond even his skills._

_Alhambra is waiting for Tom to grow up so he can hang on his every word. Tom can't talk yet so he's waiting…_

_Schrödinger became an Olympic champion at swimming and is very happy. He always is anyway so…whatever._

Alucard: Dye his hair and skin pink.

Integra: Going on a date with Maxwell.

Seras: Have a thumb war with Anderson.

Pip: Cut his braid off.

Walter: Dump him in a place with a family with a very messy house and be not allowed to fix anything.

Alexander Anderson: Give Alucard a great big teddy bear hug.

Maxwell: Make him get a Mohawk

Yumie/Yumkio: Wear Walter's monocle.

Heinkel: Make him join a Barbie girl song thing.

Major: Take away his plushy chair.

Doc: Take off his glasses and see that he has Powerpuff girl eyeballs.

Captain: Make him become a ventriloquist.

Rip Van Winkle: Make her play hide and seek with Alucard.

Zorin: Forced to watch Titanic.

Valentine brothers: (Jan) Stick him in a tea room with Walter. (Luke) Dog training.

Tubalcain Alhambra: Play cards with a toddler. (AND LOSE! XD)

Schrödinger: Make him do a swimming race.

_Credits:_ (If the song freaks you out just go to the bottom where we have something special)

May and Jay: catsvrsdogscatswin.

_(Once upon a time, there was a dream. No one knew who had dreamt the dream, but such a tiny dream it was)_

Hellsing characters: Kohta Hirano

(_The tiny dream began to think "I don't want to disappear, how can I make people dream of me?"_)

Titanic: James Cameron

(_The tiny dream though and thought, and at last came up with an idea. "I will let the humans tray into me, and they, I will let them create the world!"_)

Title Image: Google Images.

(_The First Alice went walking through the woods of Wonderland, bravely with a fearsome sword clutched in her fevered cut down creatures in the way of her unyielding wrath, leaving carnage in her wake by red and bloody path. The First Alice strayed too far and too deep in the woods, it marked her as a sinner, and locked her in there for good. Much like the gruesome path that marked her murdering way, her life remains a mystery until this very day._)

Credit Song: Alice Human Sacrifice.

(_The Second Alice was a tame and tender gentleman, singing songs to all the folk who lived in Wonderland. He sang a song so bluetiful was emptied to the world, creating sounds of madness waiting to be unfurled. This Alice was as fragile as the flowers all around, a madman came to him one day, shot him to the ground. His blood stained the roses to a bright and somber red, and all those who loved him forgot once he was dead._)

Alice Human Sacrifice: Vocaloid.

(_The Third Alice was a young and lovely girl from Wonderland, such a truly pretty creature what's not to understand? She charmed all of the people to her every beck and call, and gave rise to a green country that rose above them all. This Alice then became this country's sovereign queen, but she withdrew her nation's laws all into a distorted dream. All she sees is rotting flesh inside her vanity, afraid of death she rules in peace for all eternity.)_

First/Red/Spades Alice: Meiko

(_Find the bright red forest path that's where the journey starts, and tea party with blue roses that's where the forest parts. The invite from the queen attached to many parts: The Trump card, the Ace of Hearts!_)

Second/Blue/Diamonds Alice: Kaito

(_The Fourth Alice was a curious pair of siblings who were twins, straying into Wonderland is where their tale begins! Interested in the worlds they passed through many doors, inquisitive in its many making features they explored. A stubborn elder sister, and a clever younger brother, were close to see the nature of the true Alice at hand…_)

Third/Green/Clubs: Hatsune Miku

(_But both will never wake up from the dream that they had planned, forever they shall wander hopelessly in Wonderland!_)

Fourth/Yellow/Hearts Alice: Kagamine Rin and Kagamine Len.

**My reason for having credits this time…CAUSE ME AND MAY WANTED TO SHOWCASE OUR FAVORITE SONG! WHO NEEDS SANTIY FOR THESE THINGS! SEE YA NEXT TIME! MAY AND JAY OVER AND OUT!**


End file.
